I had a revelation tonight...

From as far back as I can remember I have had a fear of losing someone close to me that I love. When I was younger it was my dad. I would have vivid dreams at night about my dad dying. I was always so afraid of this. Now that I am married I live with the worry that I am going to lose my husband. He travels so much and sometimes I can make up these horrible scenarios if I dont hear from him.
This is how messed up my brain is...
One time I was in the shower and I thought I heard something outside the door. I had shampoo in my hair and I thought to myself, "it was probably nothing." Then the thought crossed my mind that what if Steven was having some type of medical emergency or something fell on him, or somebody broke into our house and stabbed him and he was crawling across the floor trying to make enough noise so that I would hear him and get out of the shower and call 911. So I decided to get out of the shower, dripping water all over the floor and check on him. I opened the door and I saw my cat next to the door and Steven laughing and wondering what I was doing. He was obviously fine and come to find out my cat had been pawing at the door making the mysteious noise. This is how my brain works on a daily basis. I know, I know pray for me, love on me and feed me with truth because my brain is strange.
This weekend I am with Steven at a youth event. The speaker this morning talked about how important it was to be honest during prayer. So many times I start praying and then pull back trying to figure out what He would say and never give Him the chance to speak. We went over a couple passages like, Ps. 109 and Ps. 73. We found some very honest prayers by godly men about people they were furious with. It can be dangerous to share gossip and anger toward someone to other believers but we can always take our anger, frustrations, fears and everything else to God.
Well if you know me well I have probably expressed my fear of losing my husband with you. Tonight during worship I finally voiced that fear to God. Almost immediately God gave me the answer to working out this fear in my life. I sat down and wrote this out.
"When I think my greatest fear is losing my husband I find that it is merely a mask to the ultimate fear in my life. My greatest fear is, in that moment is God really enough? Is He really sufficiant? Is He really all I need?"
My perspective in this situation has changed a bit. I honestly don't feel that afraid anymore. I want my actions and beliefs to line up with my words. In the absolute lowest point of my life I want God to be all that I need. I am now working on this fear in my life.

LENT

I know that I am a little late here but I guess its better to be late than never right?
I need to first of all say that I am extrememly encouraged by my friends. I have listened (read) about my sweet friends, Lacey, Ginger, and Jamie practicing Lent this season and their sacrifices have encouraged me to investigate further. I had never really heard about Lent before except during a history class in highschool. This crazy teacher we had always talked about it but its been so long ago. Through my friends telling of their sacrifices, I had become a little jealous. I have hit a wall here lately with myself. I was doing so well working out almost everyday and spending time with God, and praying with Steven in the mornings. My house was really clean there for a while and I was working really hard. I honestly don't know what happened but now my house is a wreck, I watch TV all the time and I feel fat from not working out and eating. You know how you can just hit a slump in your life and just hate who you have become? Well that is me now. So what could be a better time for Lent?
Well I have thought about it a lot. I really feel as if I will benefit from my sacrifices. These are things that distract me from self examination. I dont have to think or feel when I absorb myself in these. These couple things, sadly enough, take up most of my time and I would love to experience some time with out them. So here it goes. This is what I am giving up.

1. I am limiting myself to 2 shows. No other TV.
2. I am only checking my email and blogging. (or researching)
3. I am giving up sweets. They are a comfort food for me.


I might add one more later. I need to still think so more.
Its funny as I read other people's sacrifices they sound so similar to mine. I guess we all have things we run to to distract us. These are HUGE things in my life. TV, internet and certain foods. This really will be a sacrifice but I am exstatic to reflect upon the true sacrifice that Christ has made for us. I am excited to deny myself and see how addicted I have become to these things. I want God to do something huge in my life! I want to change! I want to know what is under there when the numbness wears off.
Thank you Lacey, Ginger and Jamie for pushing me through your lives!

If anyone ever needs pics taken Alison Bynum is the best!!

A day in the life of Spur58....

A Day in Omaha

Add to My Profile | More Videos

four jobs i have had in my life:
1-Bagger at Publix
2-assistant at the Gideons International (NO i didnt wear a Bible costume and hand out Bibles!)
3-Nashville Shores Water Park (2 summers)
4-Hibbett Sports Assistant Manager (Thats right... you know your impressed)

movies i would watch over and over:
1-My best Friends wedding
2-Little Miss Sunshine
3-how to lose a guy in 10 days
4-Just Married

four places i have lived:
1-Panama City, FL
2-Cookeville, TN
3-Murfreesboro, TN
4-Memphis, TN

four places i have been on vacation:
1-Cancun
2-Gatlinburg
3-Chattanooga
4-Danbury Texas
These are impressive arent they!!

four of my favorite foods are:
1-SUSHI
2-Cheescake at the Cheescake factory
3-Bean Burritoes
4-Spicy Chang's Chicken

four places i would rather be right now:
1-Cancun with my husband :)
2-A cabin in Gatlinburg with my closest girl friends
3-Laying out at the beach, staying in a nice condo
4-In my bed, asleep